Minister Jacky

It just worked but no idea how to delete the above.

I have had talks and email and been involved because of my own ministry, with many abused Christian women and some men. I would love John Piper to read my book ‘Not a Victim’ when it is published as it is for those Christians who are in abusive marriages and does look at things from a scriptural point of view.

The following advice though well intended does not go far enough. This will not stop an abusive marriage.

“and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church.”

This is very unhelpful. No woman should be told to endure being smacked just one night. She should have help immediately both from church AND police.

ALL women and all men in whatever church should be clear that physical violence needs to be dealt with by an immeditate response involving calling police.

It does NOT just happen ‘that one nigh’t and bringing in the church is likely to make it worse in many cases. The advice is useless if the abuser does not go to church and actually most of the people I counsel are wives of Christians – all too often in leadership positions!

John Piper may not ever have experienced an abusive marriage. It is understandable that he gives the advice he does; but the whole issue of abuse tends to be very badly dealt with by those who have little understanding of the dynamics. It is hard to understand those dynamics.

I often get emails from women as a result of my own ministry. Usually the women have been given the sort of advice John Piper gives. Unfortunately, things tend to go from bad to worse and abusers are excellent at convincing Pastors and the like that they are no longer abusing while continuing to abuse.

I do not doubt John Piper’s love for Jesus. I have no doubt he wanted to help and gave the best advice he could. However, it just does not work.

If an abused wife said anything like John Piper suggests to an abusive husband it would actually be likely to increase abuse. This is a problem many who seek counselling for abuse come accross – they are told to do things that seem absolutely fine but are not wise in the context of the relationship. There are seemingly normal things you can say to an abusive person which make them worse.

Abusers get angry and do things many of us would not believe. An ordinary comment can be taken, twisted and used in ways the ordinary mind cannot envision.

The difficulty is that those who are not abusive assume an abuser will have a ‘normal’ response. They unfortunately, do not.

The only sensible advice on abuse is to leave and get counselling and return as and when and if the abuser is ever truly repentant and showing evidence of a changed life. That does not happen overnight.

At least John Piper goes further than those misguided churches that suggest a woman continues to submit to a violent man ‘because it is scriptural – it happens…..

Please read these stories to understand quite how an abusive marriage can be for Christian women. Not all the women writing are perfect themselves but you will see how it can be
http://jesusheals.informe.com/forum/my-story-f31/

Jesus heals has a fair amount of information and I post what I can there. I hope moderators are ok with me posting the links but my main aim is to be helpful not in competition.
http://jesusheals.informe.com/forum/jesus-heals-abuse-f23

Minister Jacky

I have had talks and email and been involved because of my own ministry, with many abused Christian women and some men. I would love John Piper to read my book ‘Not a Victim’ when it is published as it is for those Christians who are in abusive marriages and does look at things from a scriptural point of view.

The following advice though well intended does not go far enough. This will not stop an abusive marriage.

“and she endures perhaps being smacked one night, and then she seeks help from the church.”

This is very unhelpful. No woman should be told to endure being smacked just one night. She should have help immediately both from church AND police.

ALL women and all men in whatever church should be clear that physical violence needs to be dealt with by an immeditate response involving calling police.

It does NOT just happen ‘that one nigh’t and bringing in the church is likely to make it worse in many cases. The advice is useless if the abuser does not go to church and actually most of the people I counsel are wives of Christians – all too often in leadership positions!

John Piper may not ever have experienced an abusive marriage. It is understandable that he gives the advice he does; but the whole issue of abuse tends to be very badly dealt with by those who have little understanding of the dynamics. It is hard to understand those dynamics.

I often get emails from women as a result of my own ministry. Usually the women have been given the sort of advice John Piper gives. Unfortunately, things tend to go from bad to worse and abusers are excellent at convincing Pastors and the like that they are no longer abusing while continuing to abuse.

I do not doubt John Piper’s love for Jesus. I have no doubt he wanted to help and gave the best advice he could. However, it just does not work.

If an abused wife said anything like John Piper suggests to an abusive husband it would actually be likely to increase abuse. This is a problem many who seek counselling for abuse come accross – they are told to do things that seem absolutely fine but are not wise in the context of the relationship. There are seemingly normal things you can say to an abusive person which make them worse.

Abusers get angry and do things many of us would not believe. An ordinary comment can be taken, twisted and used in ways the ordinary mind cannot envision.

The difficulty is that those who are not abusive assume an abuser will have a ‘normal’ response. They unfortunately, do not.

The only sensible advice on abuse is to leave and get counselling and return as and when and if the abuser is ever truly repentant and showing evidence of a changed life. That does not happen overnight.

At least John Piper goes further than those misguided churches that suggest a woman continues to submit to a violent man ‘because it is scriptural – it happens…..

Please read these stories to understand quite how an abusive marriage can be for Christian women. Not all the women writing are perfect themselves but you will see how it can be
http://jesusheals.informe.com/forum/my-story-f31/

Jesus heals has a fair amount of information and I post what I can there. I hope moderators are ok with me posting the links but my main aim is to be helpful not in competition.
http://jesusheals.informe.com/forum/jesus-heals-abuse-f23

Minister Jacky