Cheryl Schatz

Mark #35,

I am behind at least a day in my responses so I will be working backwards through the comments.

You said:

My wife and i have no decided that i make the final call because i am a better decison maker or the like. I make the final call because we both believe that God has made the husband as the ‘head’ of the wife i.e- the primary leader of the family.

If you are the better decision maker then it is a loving thing to help your wife get to the same place you are at. This doesn’t happen by making all the final decisions. We are all called to be mature, discerning and able to make godly decisions. I will give you the Biblical reference for this first and then give you my own experience.

In 1 Corinthians 6 Paul tells us that we need to be mature so that we can judge matters in this life. Paul says that the matters of this life are necessary for us to judge because in the next life we will be judging the world and the angels. Paul is not too happy at all that instead of bringing the issues of judging to the body of Christ (who should be growing in their maturity to judge) , the people are going to judges outside the church. Paul says that this is a shame to them since our position in the body of Christ will be to rule and reign with Christ and our position will be that of judges for far weightier matters in the next life.

In this importance in learning how to judge matters, Paul shows that we have the authority to make decisions for ourselves and he gives even women this decision making power in 1 Corinthians 11.

1 Corinthians 11:10 (ISV) This is why a woman should have authority over her own head: because of the angels.

The woman is to have the right and power to make a decision on what she does or doesn’t wear on her head. Why? Because of the angels. Paul has already told us that we are all going to be judging the angels. If we will have this great responsibility in the next life, surely we are also to have the responsibility in this life to make the judgment call on what we do or don’t wear on our head. We are called to be mature and learn how to make decisions.

This passage has been bungled by so many translators because the original Greek conflicts with their preconceived notion that a woman is to be under her husband’s authority instead of having equal authority over her own decisions. So instead of translating the verse in the way that it was inspired, they added words to make it seem like Paul is saying that a woman must wear something to show that she is under her husband’s authority. But this is not what Paul said and not what the Holy Spirit inspired. She is to have her own authority regarding her own decisions because she too will be judging angels in the next life.

The Greek term that Paul uses here for the word “authority” is a term that always means that the person themselves has the power and right to make a decision or do an action. It never means that the person is under someone else’s authority. Look it up for yourself and you will see that what I am saying is true.

So here is the deal. We are all to grow up and be mature. We are all to learn how to make wise decisions because we are all going to be in the position of judges in the future. We will rule and reign with Christ. The problem is that men think that being head means that they are the ones responsible for making all of the final decisions for the woman. This is not true and it is not Biblical. All of us are responsible and all of us are to grow up and be mature.

If you look at the Proverbs 31 woman you find her making all kinds of decisions for her household. Her husband is not making her decisions for her and her decision-making ability is so good that her husband trusts in her. Read it for yourself and you will see that what I am saying is true. Today our Proverbs 31 women are wonderful decision-making women who understand that they are called to be mature for they too will be judging the angels in the next life.

So what happens when a woman is not so good at making decisions? Is she helped when her husband makes all the final decisions? No. This keeps her dependent and does not help her to press on to maturity in this area. A husband who is a godly man and who is a godly example should be working to sacrifice for his wife in order to bring her up to his level. This is the true meaning of a godly “head”. It doesn’t mean that he makes all the final decisions. It means that he gives up of himself to lift her up – to grow her into maturity as a godly woman. Some women are there already but others need the help of their husbands to open the door for them to grow, to mature and to serve.

I am one who needed the door opened to me. In our marriage, we had the true comp view where the husband makes all the final decisions. I was only 15 when I met him and he was much more mature than I was even though he wasn’t even two years older. A few years later at the start of our marriage, he made all the final decisions. We did make some together but in essence every single decision was his decision. If we agreed then it was his way because we agreed on it. If we didn’t agree, then it was his way because we disagreed. Either way he made all the decisions.

If I went to the store and saw an electric frying pan was on sale and I felt that I needed it because my old one wasn’t working all that well and I bought it (this is a true story), I was subject to his decision making power when I got home. His decision was that I didn’t need it and the old one was good enough. As if I was a little child unable to make a proper decision, I had to take it back. He did this because he felt his decisions were wiser than mine and he was acting on my behalf because he made better decisions. What this did was keep me in a dependent and in a child-like state. I never grew. One grows the fastest when one is allowed to make mistakes because a mistake is a great teacher.

Because I have always been by nature a shy person who would rather be a peace-maker than fight, I allowed myself to be taken over. He made all the decisions and I was taken care of. The comp teaching that a woman was created to need a leader was what we believed. However it not only didn’t allow me to grow, but I came to the place where I didn’t even know who I was as a person. I did whatever he wanted me to do and I became an appendage of his personality. That was not healthy for me.

Nothing changed until we had a crisis where I drew the line in the sand. There were friends that I made that he didn’t want me to have. Through different circumstances God caused my husband to finally let go and stop being my protector. I needed to grow up and be mature so that I could take my place in the body of Christ as a fully mature member of the body. As my husband let go of the decision making power over me, he did the very best thing for me. He gave up the control so that he could allow me to make my own mistakes. He knew having these people as my friends was a big mistake, but God told him to allow me to have these friends.

That started me on a journey that was painful and hurt me a great deal because they were not the kind of people I thought they were. They used me to help them in their own ministry and then when the issue of women teaching the bible to men became an issue between us, they treated me as if I wasn’t worth the effort to even wipe their shoes off on me. I was a non-person and I was left very hurt. That may sound very bad and that I should have had my husband protecting me, but it was the very best thing for me. Because of this I grew up.

Instead of remaining in a protected environment where my husband made all my decisions, my safety net was removed and I was forced to make my own decisions and that has been the very best thing for me. It was painful for my husband to watch, but now he admits that the growth that he has seen in me has been amazing.

Because of my foray into a relationship with a couple who left me because of the issue of whether or not God forbids women to teach the Bible to men, my passion for understanding the hard passages of Scripture on this issue brought about the DVD set “Women in Ministry Silenced or Set Free?” Without the push from that painful relationship where I was eventually shunned, my intense learning on this subject and the DVD set that has helped so many people would never have happened. This was a God thing for sure and I am certain that the pastors and others who have been helped by the teaching that God gave me in this DVD would praise God with me for those friends. Without them the DVD would never have been in existence and neither would this blog have come into existence. Praise the Lord that all things work together (even what seems to be bad) for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose!

So for almost 30 years I was kept in a subordinate position because my husband felt he had to protect me as he was my “head”. But now we are full partners and as my “head” he supports me, nourishes me in giving me opportunities for service even though he would like to keep me for himself and not share me with the world. He is the most awesome, wonderful man I have ever met and the sacrifice that he has made to allow me the opportunity to grow and mature and to open doors for me where doors had been closed, makes him the absolute best example of a “head” that I have ever seen.

The “head” is to support and nourish and bring out the best in his “body”. His sacrifice to allow me to grow by giving up control over my “mistakes” has been an absolute blessing from God. It has been less than 10 years now. But I have grown more in the last 10 years than I did in the almost 30 years of marriage before that. By sacrificing of himself and his belief that his decisions for me were the best, he has seen me mature to the place where he has many people tell him how amazing I am and how gifted I am in the Scriptures. I am not trying to lift myself up here. I am trying to show how my husband has benefited me and because of this he has received back great praise and joy in me, his wife, from his decision to stop being the ultimate and final decision maker.

Now we make all decisions together. In the areas where he is gifted and knowledgeable, he has full support from me to to operate in his gifting and to make all the wise decisions. In the areas where I am gifted and knowledgeable, he trusts me with those decisions. And when we come to a place where we disagree, we do not go forward by overriding either one of our wills. We use that as an opportunity for patience and prayer. And if a decision must be made quickly, I either submit to him or he sacrifices for me. It is all working out for the glory of God because God is the who is our true leader and we trust Him to work in our marriage for the ultimate good of both of us.

So, Mark, I would like to encourage you as your wife’s “head” to prepare her to be a judge of angels and a judge of the world in the next life. How will you do this? It won’t be by keeping her under your authority. If you really do believe that you have authority, then realize that it is God’s will for you to use your authority to bring her up to your level. If you feel that you are going to present her to God at the judgment, then present her as a fully functional decision-maker that you have helped her to grow into so that she can take her place as one who will also rule and reign with Christ. As her “head” you cannot do any better for her than to open the doors for her and sacrifice for her until she is just as good as you are in her decision-making power.

Years ago I couldn’t even look people in the eye. I was painfully shy and even though I led the bible teaching and support for a whole group of former Jehovah’s Witnesses into faith in Christ for a period of 16 years, I still was unsure of myself, painfully shy and did my ministry work with fear and trembling. Today I am confident and able to take on the challenges from those who want to hold women back in ministry and although I am still the same gracious person I always was, I am stronger than I even imagined I could be and I won’t back down from those who want to take scripture out of context. I am on the executive board of two corporations, both set up to bring the gospel to the hurting. My husband is absolutely amazed at my growth, but I say that he is responsible for it. He provided the way for me to change and grow that came as a result of his sacrifice and support. He gave me the foundation to build on and his willingness to change from the tradition that we had been raised in has done nothing but good for me. He no longer controls me and “leads” me by making my decisions. He has become this amazing sacrifice, giving up his own dreams for the future to stand beside me in ministry. He praises me for my gifts and as my “head” he lifts me up to give everything to me for my benefit that I need in order to minister to others without obstacles in my way.

I still submit to him as I always have because I love him with a passion as I have never loved anyone else this way before. I am also listening to him when he speaks about his concern for the long hours that I work and I am trying to cut back so that we have more of a life together that is outside the intense work. I can honor him that way and he deserves my best too!

This is my testimony and it is my husband’s testimony as well. Neither one of us would ever go back to the “husband as decision maker of the family” again. And my husband knows that he has accomplished his job as “head” in his sacrifice and support because if he ever were called by God to present me to God, he can do so as one who supported, encouraged and strengthened my ability to serve God and he has serve both myself and God in order to take my place as one who has also been called to rule and reign with Christ.