gengwall

Elastigirl @ 107 – “How is it you have to come to genuinely care about this issue?”

I have seen both sides of this issue acted out in the lives of married couples, mostly in my and my wife’s family, both in my generation and in two generations back (I was fortunate to have all of my grandparents live into their 90’s). Without exception, the comp mindset brings heartache and strife in the marriage, especially to the wife. It isn’t always demonstrative, but I, and especially my wife who is far more perceptive and intuitive than I, can see it in their eyes and on their faces.

That isn’t to say that the egals I have observed are without conflict. But at least the conflict isn’t about making wive’s “submissive” or elevating men to the authoritarian “head” of the family.

The issue has become even more important to me because I now have a daughter getting married in a few weeks. I was just at a wedding for a Nephew a few weeks ago where the comp message was preached fairly loud and clear. I see how this Nephew already treats his new bride (he has already called her “the wife” on a facebook post) and I observe the male pride and authoritarian air in his words and actions. It makes me bristle and it makes me vocal because I am darn sure going to do what I can to ensure my daughter doesn’t end up in a hierarchical marriage like this Nephew and his parents and his grandparents (well, not so much) and his great-grandparents.

I will give you an illustration. My wife could relate this better but I will do my best. My wife’s grandfather was the typical authoritarian “head of the family” through most of his marriage. His wife was the typical sweet, dutiful, supportive, “submissive” (in the comp sense of that word) wife. But inside, she was torn up and had some bitterness and heartache stored up. Now, keep in mind that these were loving Christians who were extreemly good willed and carign toward each other. But they were stuck in a comp paradigm built on the traditions of the conservative church and this misapplication of passages like 1 Tim 2. In other words, they simply didn’t know any better.

Very close to her death, my wife’s grandfather had a revelation. I don’t know where it came from, but it was life transforming. My wife observed this strong, proud, authoritarian man break down and weep at the realization of how poorly and dishonoring he had treated his wonderful wife all those years. Fortunately for him, he was able to make a change and the few remaining years they had together were some of their happiest. Most of all, a fire lit in her grandmother’s eyes that my wife says she had never seen before.

This is what complementarianism does to even the most dedicated and loving couples. Women have their spirits crushed and then told the lie that they should be happy about it because to push back is to rebel against God. Being a son, husband, and father of women, it gets my blood boiling to know that even some in my own family, and especially even in my own generation, have fallen to the lie.