elastigirl

And how do I know his ego is intact? Because I ask,

“hey, uh, it seems from what I’ve read that men are kind of…. “delicate”, with rather “fragile egos”. And so, to protect, let’s say, “you”, I should always be very indirect, and always say things as mere suggestions that probably have no merit anyway. It seems direct statements are too harmful for you to hear. I know i was a little “direct” right there — did I offend you?”

And he looks at me & says, “….where’d you hear that load of nonsense????”

So, how does this fit into the mix:

I make some statements about something. My husband responds, giving his unique thoughts in response to mine, presenting his take on the situation. They are a paraphrase of what i just said.

(I tell him so, partly out of exasperation, partly out of the ridiculous humor of it. He acknowledges it, smirks and chuckles, ego intact.)

Happens all the time.

All this discussion on whether or not the husband truly has authority in the relationship he has with his wife, or is it that she simply treats him as if he does (in which case “authority” is entirely irrelevant).

Reminds me of a scene in the movie “My Boig Fat Greek Wedding”. Michael Constantine and Lainie Kazan (a couple married for many years with grown children) are sitting at a table in their family-owned restaurant with their friend or relative Andrea Martin. Lainie and Andrea have come up with an idea that would be a good solution to a problem they are all aware of. The success of this idea requires the participation of all 3 of them, including Michael. Yet they know that Michael would never buy into this idea because they are the ones who came up with it and not he himself. So they proceed to approach it all very obliquely, chatting about the problem, “wondering” about some “hypothetical solution” out loud with minimal description but enough for anyone to logically fill in the blanks. And lo and behold, “Eureka! I’ve found it!” – Michael comes up with a grand solution that he has claimed as his own, and “presto!” Lainie and Andrea’s plans are set in motion. A good solution that will benefit many people.

Everyone I was with when seeing the movie laughed, men and women, knowing that this is simply how it is.

I think it’s obvious that whatever “authority” the husband has is simply what the wife allows him to have. And it’s not so much authority as his “participation”. I just prefer to call it what it is rather than what it’s not.

Oh, I think this discussion can go much further with a good deal of usefulness.