Nicole

I realize that much of the talk results in abuse towards wives. But they abused my dad. All he wanted to do was to give his kids better than what he had. They’re preachers, so they should know how to be a godly man, right? My dad went to them for help, he wanted so badly to do the right thing, and they threw it in his face.

What happened? A good man fully understood the weight of having “divine authority”, was unable to fuse that with the fact that he is a flawed human being, so he withdrew. And thus began the war.

My dad could not be close to my mom, because if he was, she would see that he was indeed an ordinary screwed up human being. If she saw that he could choose wrongly, she as a wife would be forced to go against her conscience and obey him, which he though disgusting.

However, since my dad grew up with and abusive, dominating, control freak of a father, and didn’t want to repeat that, he resorted to passive-aggressive behavior and criticism. He became incredibly insecure and depressed, because he saw how far he fell short of this “divine wisdom” ideal, which furthered the fierce cycle of passive-aggressive, aggressive, depression.

My mom was taught this “joyfully submit” idea as well. In real life, this mean she had to become extremely passive, to the point where she struggles to have firm opinions. My dad detested this, as he loves strong, intelligent women and married my mom because she was intelligent. She became a stranger to him, and he could not respect this “child” she had become as his equal. The only way my mom can be assertive is through passive-aggressive behavior.

So now, we have two adults being passive-aggressive, along with the fact that my dad began to have severe depressive cycles resulting in him lashing out (verbally) in anger, which does not make for a healthy family environment.

My dad once apologized to me for showing emotions! For showing frustration! He was frustrated because after 3 years of my having major medical problems, doctors were no closer to finding out the answer. I think he had a right to be frustrated! He said he failed to because as a husband/father, he is supposed to “be Christ to his family.” Not “Christ-LIKE”, Christ.

My dad is very intelligent and extremely observant. This means he is right most of the time. However, these teachings meant he had to be right ALL of the time, leading to major conflicts between he and my brother. Their relationship is strained at best.

As a result of the fact that my parents could not be close to each other, they each took a child to be close to. There was no incest or sexual relationship, but the relationships are not normal or healthy. My father took me to be his confidante, and my mom took my brother to be hers. An example of this would be when I was 17 and thought I would be a better wife to my dad than my mom is. NOT NORMAL. To this day, I am the “chosen child” in the family. If my brother or mom want my dad to do something, they will ask me to ask him. I am the “little wife” to my dad. It is my job to “seduce” him into doing what they want.

Now, it might seem as though my family are candidates for the Jerry Springer show. Not so. My dad has an excellent job and my mom recently retired from teaching. Both my brother and I are attending excellent Christian colleges. We have some happy times. On the surface we look great, but deep down, there are some very unhealthy patterns. My family is made up of facades. We all talk the good talk, put on our smiley faces, and pretend to be this ideal we are supposed to be. Inside, we are dying.

I consider myself to have two dads. “Daddy” is funny, intelligent, kind, basically the best dad in the world. “Dad” is angry, resentful, and depressed. I do not like him.

In my dad there is no peace. He is always at war. At war with these teachings, with his past, with God, with what he knows to be true, with his depression. He is in his mid-60’s now, there is no changing his past and time is running out to change his future. I am scared to have a family because I do not want to repeat these mistakes. I grieve for what my family could have been. I weep that I have to read psychology books to find what a healthy family is, when it so easily could have been my own.