SM

Referring our children to their mom or dad has never been about a show of who is in authority. Rather, in our home it is about deference being shown to both the husband (dad) and wife (mom) because the other may be better equipped to inform the other’s decision or to make the decision. More importantly, for us, it is about “inviting the other parent” into a circumstance or situation and presenting a “united front” to our children, not about creating a scene that dad is in ultimate authority.

So, though we don’t have the exact custom Mark does for the dinner table, the scenario in our home would play out accordingly:

if mom were asked by a child to be dismissed prematurely from the table, she could remind the child of the family’s rule and dad would reinforce most likely with a joke or a fun challenge, etc. However, if mom chose to show latitude for reasons only known to her at the time she could excuse the child and dad would not feel threatened because he has full confidence in her and trusts her because he knows she brings him good and not harm. Or, mom when asked invites dad into the process, and they decide together. The latter is not too different from Mark’s example, except the motivation. The motivation here is to show deference and to use a natural occurence as an opportunity to present a “united front” not about a scene to show who is in ultimate authority.

Each example affirms the mom and dad’s authority in the lives of their children, shows confidence in each other, and models respect, deference, and two lovingly working together as one.